Hey Strikers!
I want to first thank you all for even joining me, even if it's to read the title.
Okay, so let's talk about today's question.
Day 5: April 12th
Question: Am I holding on to any anger, regret or guilt that I can forgive or let go?
Here's the thing, as a child, I carried a lot of guilt and anger that I thought would never go away.
I used to feel betrayed when my father walked away from my mother, my siblings, and I. I was angry because I couldn't understand why he left me behind. As I grew up, I felt guilty for my mom's heartache. Somehow I used to always blame myself for his betrayal to us all. However, I because angry as the years came because he was there for another family instead of on mine. He built a dollhouse for my step-sister but not for me. He made sure they were fed and had a roof over their head. I was angry at him for hurting my mom so much she became bitter and because she was never the same. I was angry at him because I actually got picked on for "not having a dad." There was a time where my mom did her best to care for us but it wasn't enough and we lived in the streets for a min. I hated him when he would hurt my mom. Needless to say, I only got angrier as I grew up but it was exhausting. Like, It would take an emotional toll on me because underneath it all, I just wanted my dad to be in my life and to give me the care and attention he gave my siblings. I wanted the validation that I mattered.
During my early teenage years, I forgave my dad and gave up on hating him. I couldn't do it anymore and it was never worth it. I did carry a lot of guilt during my teenage years as well because it was like the tables were flipped and I was now angry at my mother. I was angry because I felt rejected, I didn't have affection, I didn't have that bond that a lot of kids had with there moms. I felt like she didn't care to get to know me and she always doubted in my dream of being an artist. She never went to my sports events, she was always angry because of something my dad would do. She had this tendency of becoming aggressive and kicking me out of the house from the age of 8 years old. I remember telling myself that I was going to apply to colleges far far away from my hometown because I couldn't get away from my entire family.
I felt guilty because I realized that she never meant to do any of it. She had lost so much throughout the years and the love of her life broke her heart way too many times. She had all of her hopes and dreams taken from her and she had no-one. Absolutely no-one to rely on. She did the best that she could without any help or guidance. She didn't have parents to vent to, her mom died when she was 8 years old and her dad didn't talk to her during that time. She was in a country, where she was invalid (still true), she couldn't speak English, and she had 3 kids to care for and I never realized all that she had to endure and keep to herself.
After the age of 19 years old, our relationship was amended and we apologized to each other and we chose to move forward and not let the past hinder our future. These were pivotal moments in my life where I told myself I would never hold grudges, never regret anything and to let go of any guilt and just learn from it all.
All of those only had a negative impression in my life and it never benefitted me. Staying angry for too long actually hurts me and I always cave in anyway. I don't regret anything because It can't be undone and maybe it was meant to happen that way. I will make mistakes throughout my life, so feeling guilty is not an option. My only option is to learn from it, grow and do better. At the end of the day, Life is just way too short to let any of these things keep you from living your best life!
Thanks again for hearing me out, I really want to read what you all have to say.
Is there anything you're holding on to?
Comments
Post a Comment